The Root Of Suffering

The lens of how I saw the world was from a state of fear, and analyzation. For three decades I’ve been quietly orchestrating emergency exits to keep options open outside my current place of life. Because everything in my life had an impending expiration date. Attempting to distance my spirit from my body. Running from myself like a man on fire. Searching beyond what my eyes could see right in front of me. Being born basically legally blind, I was always searching beyond my present visual world. It was a quiet full time job. I would tell my wife over the years, “I just need to rest. I need rest.” It was a heavy feeling I could just could not clarify with desperate words.

I return from my plant medicine journey (ibogaine) with clarity of my suffering. An understanding of my toxic compulsive behaviors since the 90’s. It was all an elaborate response to the inner war within. My spirit was exhausted from chasing glorification. That full time job was creating plan B’s in anticipation of the end of another beautiful world I co-created.

The moments following the plant medicine journey I didn’t physically sleep the first two days. But, my spirit was finally resting. My life long inner war was present every day since I was five years old. I had no dialogue with my brilliant body. If I was thirsty, I thought I was going to dehydrate. If I was hungry, I thought I was going to pass out. If I was too sweaty I thought I was going to dehydrate. I never had complete trust in listening to my body. Only in the gym, or on the yoga mat. The fuel burning my body was desperation and fear.  I created emergency landing pads with devoted conviction. Most likely convincing anyone on the receiving end that I was going to up, and leave the world I co-created once again. I was overreaching outside of my present world seeking truth to fulfill a restless soul since I was a child. Always keeping options open for what I thought could fulfill me. In the end, I became consumed by this life long compulsive way of thinking, and behaving. I lived in two worlds. I would arrive at “the next adventure” in two worlds. Most of my earliest pictures of myself and to the present day show my face in two worlds. Presenting myself as a lighthouse of supreme love, and understanding. All while managing the ongoing grip of fear I was in. I did not know how to love all of myself. I stood on wobbly ground for as long as I can remember. My feet were in one place. My internal operation was master planning the next adventure. Attempting to get closer to some kind of truth.

I was nowhere near the root of my suffering. When I was little I was called “dramatic.” But, no one ever saw that I was living in a state of constant fear, and analyzation. They just saw the behavior. My feelings didn’t feel safe to share. They were always directed further away from the reason I was quietly suffering. My emotions were always labeled. But, never genuinely heard without judgment. That’s why for years I poured my heart into poetry, and art. It was the safest place for me to express where I was. Unaware of why I always felt this way. I’ve learned I am 20% of the population: highly sensitive, and a projector. The addictive compulsive behaviors that consumed my daily internal operation are gone now. Because the root of my suffering has been addressed.


When I played the game of soccer, it was a display of conflict. Labeled by onlookers as “aggressive.” The war was never against others or opponents. It was a quiet war to achieve a feeling of home on the ground I stood on. In the body I architected. I was labeled “sensitive.” When I truth, I had more than enough conflict happening within me. The grip on my spirit within was not addiction, it was fear. And, that fear created a life long ferocious search for connection outside of myself. Convincing myself that more outside love would bring more inner resolve. It just created more problems. Ferociously running around the world for two decades. At times my language was harsh because inside it was harsh territory. Having never felt safe with my early developmental environment, my life’s work is creating a feeling of safety for others. A place to be heard without being boxed in or labeled. A place to practice letting go of one’s own internal inner war. Most of my professional guidance before this journey was of subtle projection. Seeing other’s unspoken conflict, and deeply understanding that place. I’ve lived in eight states, every mainland time zone, and every corner of this country. I’ve completed two team runs across the United States. And, a 10,000 mile lap around the USA. I couldn’t find the answers to the heavy magic I carried. No relationship could soothe that part of me. 

This recent plant medicine journey in Mexico taught me that Sarah, and I were supposed to endure this chapter together. An unfortunate, as well as fortunate journey. This was our spiritual assignment in its right time. To be loved by someone who could hold space for someone to come out of the shadows once and for all. Without fear, they too would turn their back on me. Or, walk away. Her devotion to understanding the root of my suffering is a gift I will never take for granted. When everyone decided to pray for me, she stayed with me. When some canceled me, she stayed with me. Holding her hand through this journey gave me the courage to go through, instead of around. 


I’d like to share a lyric from Robbie Williams song, “Feel.” 


Scared myself to death
That’s why I keep on running
Before I arrive 
I can see myself coming 


I never knew the truth of this song until now. It came flooding into my consciousness when I left the Beond treatment center in Cancun, Mexico. I used to think that counting days of sobriety from anything would bring me closer to the truth of my inner war. I was consumed by counting the number of days. Not because I had a drinking problem. It always felt like a countdown to celebrating freedom from suffering. In six years of partnership, my wife’s never seen me drunk. We’ve never even done a shot together.


Although I was always constructing another world outside my present world, I did have firm lines I would never cross. I recognize my angel count was quite busy over the years. Keeping me out of real trouble, jail, or even death. The truest angel is my wife. As I learned at the center in Mexico, this was our toughest assignment together. And, although she was hurt, she never left our love. Her depth of empathy was the safest place for me to explore this leap into alternate understanding with Ibogaine plant medicine. 


This journey has explained so much about the smoke signals I was sending for decades. My wife has witnessed me run into a burning car because I understood emergency. She’s heard of me embracing an individual going to jail for a life sentence because that could have been me. She’s seen me cry when there is an emotional fight in the world because I understand inner war taken out on others.


The plant medicine journey showed me what true fear is. Pacha Mama guided me to that place. The moment I was saying out loud “no, no! This is too much. I can’t do this.” One of the medicine guides said to me, “now, go inward.” With that instruction, I went through fear. And, came out on the other side. Prior to this journey I’ve had stomach problems my entire life. No fiber pill, or dietary adaptation fixed my situation. Once I was reborn as Kameshwara (one who has overcome desires) on September 23rd, 2024 at midnight, my stomach felt immediately different. It was the first time I’ve ever felt my stomach without some form of heaviness. 


Before this journey my internal compass was elaborately planning the next mission. The next abort button. Even though I was happy with where I was. Now, I’m home in my body. Seeing the world for the first time. Exploring this new body I inhabit. An intelligent body I didn’t listen to my entire life. My human design chart reads I actually have a strong heart, and strong immune system. I always thought I was going to die of a heart attack. And, if I ever got a fever I needed to be rushed to the hospital. 


To be called dramatic my entire life naturally made me curious for various frightening stages that supported this behavior. But, in truth I was at war inside myself. Still able to produce beautiful bodies of work in my professional life. While my personal life was always quietly managing another full time job. 


Since 2008, I began having dreams of choking on metal. Waking up in a panic reaching into the back of my throat to retrieve my suffering. My body knew. Now, the acid battery in the depths of my intestines is gone. And, my body, and spirit can finally rest properly every evening. 


Before I left for Mexico, a fellow Colorado LMT asked if I could train her for a few hours. I welcomed her to our home days after my “addiction & compulsive behavior” announcement. I was reminded how much I truly love what I do. For each of you who have been with me, and the Pranava brand from day one, I sincerely thank you. We’ve been through many changes together. But, that’s what life is about. And, healing is about letting go of the fences we’ve built around bitterness and shame. Because real growth comes from sacrificing part of our lives we have created.


I look forward to getting back to the crafts I so love with this new body of mine. With a new set of lenses of how I see the world. Fully showing up for the dream life I already have right in front of me. Showing up for each of you at Pranava is a dream come true. Now, the nightmare within me is over.


Thank you all for your kind words, support and compassion during this time. Thank you to the members who kept their memberships ongoing as a token of support for this journey. Your love is seen. Thank you for showing up for Sarah during this time as well. You’ve held our hearts during this time. Your love is felt.


The integration into this chapter will be a new experience each day. Don’t give up on individuals so easily. You never know the quiet battles they walk in the bodies they inhabit. Let’s learn to hug the cactus within ourselves. And, no longer allow the autopilot of our toxic behaviors to become a kamikaze to this beautiful life we have created for ourselves.


Because the only way out is through.
-Kāmeshwara